*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The two types of wives
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment