doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*