*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You Might Also Like
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Duck typos.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.