*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Thank you corporation very cool
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee