*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.