For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, “That’s a strange color for a tree.”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[Brings date back to my place]
Date: It’s kinda cold in here
Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?
Date: eh..I dunno
Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
License and registration please.
Are you drunk sir?
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.