Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.