Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
You Might Also Like
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?