wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
can’t bark with your mouth full
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’