*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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Happy Taco Tuesday
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.