*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner