@KattieCO_H

“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

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@Crunk_Jews

People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.

@Brentweets

“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”

@Sickayduh

Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*

Boss: You’re still coming in early tomorrow, right?

@WilliamAder

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

@amusedkerching

Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

@lecalabara

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

@EazeAli4

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?