“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

You Might Also Like


friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!


Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now


My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.


[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice


Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.


Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.