@KattieCO_H
@_funnypool
friend: wanna go out
person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!
You Might Also Like
@_funnypool
@TheBoydP
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
@kelkulus
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
@Schmoodles
Me: Girls’ night in!!!
Cat: I’m a cat.
Me: You’re my best friend.
Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.
Me: So it’s like a date?
Cat: Get help.
@JasonLastname
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
@Shenanigans_luv
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
@RidiculousSheri
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
@ThugRaccoons
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
@dave_cactus
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
@ThatMummyLife
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.