@KattieCO_H

“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

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@_funnypool

friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!

@TheBoydP

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

@kelkulus

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

@Schmoodles

Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

@Shenanigans_luv

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@ThugRaccoons

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@ThatMummyLife

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.