“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

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People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.


“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”


Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*

Boss: You’re still coming in early tomorrow, right?


Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in


Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?