Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat