friend: wanna go out
person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!
“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: Girls’ night in!!!
Cat: I’m a cat.
Me: You’re my best friend.
Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.
Me: So it’s like a date?
Cat: Get help.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
*69 minutes later*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.