SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Feels
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.