SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Breaking news:
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
what does he know…
what’s more important?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
True freaking story!
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side