Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish