Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
#winning
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope