@yogaknifefight

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

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@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@sixfootcandy

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

@fowlerism

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

@ChrisIsJoking

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

@TheBoydP

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

@robfee

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.