what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.