Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.