“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner