“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?