Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.