toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
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Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.