Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart