I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.