sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I have obtained a hat
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever