I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
For the ones in the back.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”