@PleaseBeGneiss
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
@KevinFarzad
Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up
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@PleaseBeGneiss
@TheTweetOfGod
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
@GrantTanaka
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
@poizngrl
ADHD in the streets
Naughty fr…so hey, does anyone want to play Sonic the Hedgehog?
@sweetg35
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
@Megatronic13
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
@Getnosexual
My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.
@KalvinMacleod
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
@HandfulOfLewds
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
@impaulmccoy
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.