Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things