You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I hate my earbuds.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.