@dril

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

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@LambyMcSheeps

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

@AthenaMystique

When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.

@Elizasoul80

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

@Bagyants

All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We’ll beg them to beat and gas us, but they’ll be like nope, you didn’t appreciate it

@Reach4theSkye_

I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture

@GrowlyGrego

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

@murrman5

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.