sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

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Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.


Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.


One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now


If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.


If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk


Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack


[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*


WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*