I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.
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ME: Stop hemming and hawing
DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.
Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst
Sometimes you meet someone and know right from the start that you want to spend your whole life without them.