@tigersgoroooar

sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

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@therealeatwood

ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

@SergioValenCo

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

@maebemarbles

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.

@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst

@ms__pauline

Sometimes you meet someone and know right from the start that you want to spend your whole life without them.