@tigersgoroooar

sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

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@unravelingfire

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

@TashyP_

Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.

@hazelmotes1

One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

@WheelTod

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

@SummerRay

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

@steeve_again

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*