@MariyaAlexander
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
@tigersgoroooar
sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.
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@MariyaAlexander
@therealeatwood
ME: Stop hemming and hawing
DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere
@LuvPug
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
@SergioValenCo
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
@maebemarbles
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
@rachaelkelly18
The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
@yab_kat
[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
@AGreaterMonster
As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.
@YourTextSpoken
Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst
@ms__pauline
Sometimes you meet someone and know right from the start that you want to spend your whole life without them.