@Cpin42: Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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@_coryrichardson: me: im gonna eat florida date: *nervously* w-what me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time date: *now crying* please stop me: *mouth full of dirt* no
@Bratterina: *puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off "Jenna, that's a hoodie, I can see you" *makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo
@joeljeffrey: I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."