Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Sorry. Not sorry