Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.