Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water