Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*