side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder