[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
23. the denim jacket
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus