[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
You Might Also Like
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Breaking news:
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.