[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Usage Guidelines
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.