Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My kitchen overserved me.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Posting this on behalf of a friend