[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
You Might Also Like
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I only treason on days ending in y
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.