@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

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@hipstermermaid

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

@AristotlesNZ

Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@robin_991

If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”