I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
There’s never enough good news
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10
“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”