If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Him: do you like kids?
Me: no, I have 3.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?