sigh
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”