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Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.


EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]


“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*



On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂


Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.


Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.


*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross


4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now


[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is