@krissywillbretz

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

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@tupacasnack

*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”

‘YES’

@neiltyson

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@DaddyJew

*something breaks

Me: hand me my tools

7: call someone for help

Me: no

7 already on the phone: mom, he’s trying to fix stuff again

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@WetzelGeek

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

@bingowings14

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

@aotakeo

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

@ArfMeasures

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

@bestlizard

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.