sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
You Might Also Like
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”