sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

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*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”



Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.


To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.


*something breaks

Me: hand me my tools

7: call someone for help

Me: no

7 already on the phone: mom, he’s trying to fix stuff again


Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.


Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.


CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*


Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else





Both: Push it real good?


A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.