*at waffle house*
“do you want bacon or sausage?”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: hand me my tools
7: call someone for help
7 already on the phone: mom, he’s trying to fix stuff again
Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.
The irony is not lost on me.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Both: Push it real good?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.