Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it