Sign at funeral home: ALL SALES FINAL

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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.


Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.


It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.


It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store


Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.


If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.


Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.