jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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When news reporters do sports stories
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a