SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
only 11 steps left
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be