@molly7anne

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

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@bellicosejason

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

@dysalexia

Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes 🙁

@Donna_McCoy

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

@rickolantern

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

@thenatewolf

*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising