roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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centipede: *gets down on one knee*
centipede: *puts down second knee*
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.