Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

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centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop


The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity


Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.


Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach


My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.


I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.


Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.