*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes 🙁
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
What a night
And a text? Killing it
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.