Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
This trial is so absurd 😭
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped