Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds
ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better